Chapter 15: Take Charge

Section 1: Personal Well-Being

(32 minutes required)

Traffic conditions evolve constantly and often are out of our control. The most important thing to remember when driving is to stay calm, just as you should in any situation. If you are angry or overly agitated, either avoid driving or wait until you have cooled down enough to handle the responsibility of being a courteous driver. If you must drive while frustrated, don't complicate the situation by talking on a cellular phone or distracting yourself in any other way. Consider the following:

• Drivers who are hostile are more likely to engage in risky behaviors, get into traffic crashes, and have speeding violations.
• People who experience "Road Rage" can express it in many ways, from attacking other drivers to allowing anger to ruin their personal lives.
• One of the therapy groups shown to be effective in reducing the intensity and frequency of anger while driving is Relaxation Therapy.

Relaxing is a fun and healthy way to unwind after a stressful day. It not only takes pressure off your emotions and thoughts immediately, but it also keeps your overall stress levels at a minimum. It is, however, essential to understand that a certain degree of stress and strain is normal and required for a healthy and active life.

Many of us suffer from a lot of stress and strain in our daily lives. But some of us may not be even aware that we have stress because our bodies can cope with stress up to some tolerable limit. Much of the damage done by the stress is also repaired during our rest and relaxation. It is only when stress goes beyond manageable limits and starts interfering with your normal activities that you should consider it a problem and deal with it accordingly. The emphasis should normally be on how to keep stress within tolerable limits and achieve a desirable state of relaxation and peace of mind.

Anyone experiencing a problem controlling his or her anger can benefit from relaxation techniques. Practicing these skills will give you the opportunity to devote time to your personal well-being. Answer the following questions in your Anger Journal:

• What is your general state of mind during the day?
• Are you easily agitated (jumpy and nervous)?
• Do you tire easily?
• Are you feeling "under the weather" with no sign of illness?
• Have you been known to be "grumpy" more and more often?
• Do you suffer from innumerable fears and anxieties that ultimately wear you down at the end of the day?
• Do you experience frequent headaches, indigestion and other physical ailments due to stress and anxiety?

[ CLICK HERE to add an entry into your Anger Journal ]

If you answered "yes" to three or more of the above questions, perhaps you are suffering from overexertion and need help.

Chapter 15, Section 2: Simple Relaxation Techniques

It takes more than effective interaction with others to ease the physical symptoms of stress. You will need to also focus on the interactions that occur within yourself in your body. These simple techniques can work surprisingly well and can be completed with ease after some practice. Relaxation is good for your stress levels and outer physical appearance. No single stress-reduction technique works for everyone, so experiment with one or more of the following to find one that works for you. Keep in mind that most of these should be tried when you are not driving.

• Exercise. Physical exercise is a constructive expression of anger and negative emotions. When you get angry, move your body, take a walk, dance to some music you like, pull weeds in your garden or do some kickboxing. Research has shown that as little as 20 minutes of physical exercise a day can lower blood pressure and help you fall asleep faster at night. This relaxation technique is not only good for your stress levels, but also for your overall physical health.
• Role-play. Imagine that the person you are angry with is sitting in an empty chair opposite you. Tell the person how his or her actions hurt you. Respond to this "imaginary" person the way you would like to respond to the real person, but with effective conflict resolution skills so that the next time this happens, you will be prepared. This technique can be very powerful. You can also try writing the person a letter, though you do not have to actually send it.
• Keep a personal diary. Record your feelings and experiences daily, then look over your writings and reflect on them every week or so. Be as honest and expressive as possible. Be open to recognizing patterns and receiving insights about yourself. Journals are a tool used in this behavior modification course, but they can be used by anyone to explore his or her thoughts and feelings.
• Join a support group. It can help to talk about your feelings in a network or group where you can express yourself freely, knowing that anything you say will be honored, respected and kept confidential. Support groups can help you realize that there are other people out there that struggle with rage and frustration just like you. You are never alone in this battle. You can find a good support group by asking friends, family, your physician or your spiritual leader for a referral.

5 Quick Frustration Busters

• Take a walk. Leave the situation until you are ready to confront it in a controlled manner.
• Breathe slow and deep. Take 10 deep breaths and attempt to slow down your reactions.
• Use humor. Tell a friendly joke to break up the frustration.
• Attempt to stop the conversation by taking a time-out, and make sure that you finish the conversation when you are ready.
• Do anything to delay and slow down your angry reaction.

• Deep breathing. This technique helps to relax the body and quiet the mind. When you breathe correctly, you draw air deeply into your lungs, allowing the chest to fill with air and the belly to rise and fall. To do it, simply become aware of your breathing and inhale more fully. You should immediately be able to feel the muscle tension and stress melt away. Concentrated deep breathing can help calm you at any time and in any situation. This is perfect for use on the road since it won't interfere with the driving task.
• Massage. Massage involves the soothing touch and manipulation of the muscles, soft tissues and ligaments. Massage helps relax tight muscles for overall body comfort. There are many different methods of relaxing massage you can choose from to match your level of comfort and stress. For a list of certified massage therapists in your area, call the National Certification Board for Therapeutic Massage and Bodywork at (800) 296-0664 or visit www.ncbtmb.com and click on "Find Practitioners in your area." You can also learn massage techniques either by checking out a book from a local library or by taking a class.
• Visualization. This method of relaxation is also known as guided imagery, and it is based on the idea that where the mind goes, the body will follow. To experience it, sit down in a comfortable position or lie on the floor in a quiet, dimly lit room. Tense all muscles, then relax them, allowing tension to drain from your body. Concentrate on your breathing and clear your mind of all thoughts. Then imagine that you are in a peaceful setting (for example, lying in the warm sun on a sandy beach or strolling down a country road on a cool afternoon). Get all your senses involved in the image. Smell the ocean mist and hear the leaves crunch under your feet. Enjoy this "escape" for about 20 minutes. For more information on visualization, contact The Academy for Guided Imagery by writing to 30765 Pacific Coast Highway, Suite 369, Malibu CA 90265, calling (800) 726-2070, or visiting www.academyforguidedimagery.com.
• Yoga. Yoga promotes relaxation while also strengthening and stretching the muscles. It combines deep breathing with a series of postures or positions. Yoga can be very gentle and noncompetitive, but some postures require significant endurance, strength and flexibility. Classes range from beginners to experienced, so pick a class that is right for you and commit to a weekly session.
• Progressive Relaxation. This relaxation technique involves focusing your complete attention on one thing at a time. To experience it, find a quiet place where you won't be interrupted. Before you start, do a few gentle stretching exercises to relieve muscular tension. Make yourself very comfortable by either sitting or lying down.
  • Start to breathe slowly and deeply, in a calm, effortless way.
  • Gently tense then relax each part of your body, starting with your feet and working your way up to your face and head.
  • As you focus on each area, think of warmth, heaviness and relaxation.
  • Push any distracting thoughts to the back of your mind and imagine them floating away.
  • Don't try to relax. Simply let go of the tension in your muscles and allow them to become relaxed.
  • Let your mind go empty. Some people find it helpful to visualize a calm, beautiful place like a garden or the ocean.
  • Stay like this for about 20 minutes. Then take some deep breaths and open your eyes, but stay sitting or lying for a few moments before you get up. You can do this as often as you feel is necessary, from once a day to once a week. You can benefit from progressive meditation by keeping a routine and performing the techniques every morning before you start your day or every night before you go to bed. Even though your schedule may be very hectic, a few minutes of relaxation can prove to be very beneficial.

Recommendations for future reading: The Relaxation Response, by Herbert Benson and Miriam Klipper.

Road Rage to Road Wise: This Book Can Save You or Someone You Love, by John Larson and Carol Rodriguez.

Chapter 15, Section 3: Understand, Accept, Forgive

Develop the ability to be compassionate towards yourself and others. Compassion is at the core of self-esteem, and it is a skill that you can acquire and improve. Compassion is composed of:

• Understanding. Understanding yourself only means that you have some idea of how you operate and why you operate that way. Give the people you interact with this same respect, and be understanding of the way they operate.
• Accepting. Acceptance means you acknowledge the facts while suspending all value judgment. Being objective is not always easy; you may have to work at this the hardest. Attempt to understand that everyone has lived a different life than yours, experiencing different situations and developing different morals.
• Forgiving. Forgiving yourself means you let go of an incident in the past without dwelling on it or making yourself feel miserable all over again. Forgiving does not mean you approve, it merely means you will no longer devote your energy to feeling anger and rage.

How will you treat yourself and others with compassion? Answer this question in your Anger Journal.

[ CLICK HERE to add an entry into your Anger Journal ]

Learning to Let Go

In past confrontations, you may have said or done things that have torn apart relationships and ruined the trust between you and your loved ones. These memories can lead to pain and slow down your process of recovering from your dangerous anger. After you have identified the emotions that become a catalyst for your angry outbursts, it is time to focus on repairing any damage that has been done in the past. Take a moment to write down the names of people you have wronged or who have wronged you. Once you have the list completed, focus on reparations and personal accountability. After you have thought about it for a couple minutes, take all the time you need and write down what you can do in each situation to show the person you are sorry for what you did. Use the chart below to complete this assignment:

Do you notice any patterns in the old destructive habits? No matter how efficient you are in the area of making amends and forgiving, it will not be possible to make everyone happy all the time, including yourself.

Chapter 15, Section 4: Saying You're Sorry

However you say "I'm sorry," you should mean it. Learn how to make amends. Sometimes this process requires more than a simple, "I'm sorry." At other times, those two words will be all that is necessary to create a new and healthy relationship.

Effective Ways of Saying You're Sorry

• I'm feeling defensive. When I feel defensive, sometimes I say things I don't mean.
• I'm not talking to you like you are someone I love. Let me start over because I do love you.
• I know I'm sounding angry, but I'm feeling extremely threatened. Let me take a couple deep breaths and try again.
• I know you're feeling harassed. Please bear with me; I will do better for you.
• I'm afraid if I say I'm sorry, you'll make everything my fault.
• I'm sorry. I think I was using a tone of voice I did not mean.
• I overreacted earlier. We should try that conversation again.
• I guess I haven't been listening very well. Please give me another chance.
• Please forgive me?
• I know I've hurt you. What can I do to help us get happy again?
• I've said some mean things. Can I take them back?
• I'm making it sound like it was your entire fault. I know that's not true.
• I know I sound mad now. I'm sorry and I haven't stopped loving you.
• I love you, I hate fighting, and I'm sorry for my part in this one!
• I feel lousy about what just happened. Can we just make up?

Do you notice that all of these statements start with "I"? "I" statements take the pressure off the person you are talking to and give you more control. Once you become accountable for your actions and words, these "I" statements will become more and more common. Can you see yourself saying any of the above statements next time you notice a conversation turn ugly? They will really help stop negative feelings before they escalate into something that you or the other person regrets. Listed below are a few ineffective ways of saying you are sorry. If you have ever used these methods, learn how to say you are sorry and mean it.

Recommendation for future reading: 104 Activities that Build: Self-esteem, Teamwork, Communication, Anger Management, Self-discovery and Coping Skills, by Alanna Jones.

Chapter 15, Section 5: Maintaining Motivation

Maintaining motivation is the key to succeeding in this behavior modification program. Everything that you have seen in this course takes practice and patience. If you decide to give up on your ability to maintain discipline and control, you will never know your true self, and neither will friends and family.

• Motivation has little to do with success.
• You have to keep working at a goal, with or without the presence of success.
• You cannot give up if you don't obtain your goal immediately.

Are you naturally motivated? One way to know is to look around your house. Do you see many finished projects? If so, you are one of the lucky 10% of the population; keep up the good work. If not, you will be relieved to know that you are a normal part of the American population. Listed below are some popular short-term and long-term motivators. Can any of these be used by you? Answer this question in your Anger Journal when you finish reading about the different types of motivations.

[ CLICK HERE to add an entry into your Anger Journal ]

[ CLICK HERE to add an entry into your Anger Journal ]

Chapter 15, Section 6: Motivation and Success

Your success will depend on your ability to stay focused and optimistic about your desires to be in control of your anger. These qualities of a motivated individual vary from person to person and there is no one right way to become or stay motivated. Once again, you will have to try a couple of the ideas below and see which ones work best for you.

• BE A SELF-STARTER. Motivation often comes from the doing. When we start something and see it begin to take shape, it becomes exciting, and we are motivated to continue until the project is completed. So if you are waiting to feel motivated to do something... start to do it. The motivation will kick in.
• BE FLEXIBLE: As in the case of goal-setting (and all self-motivated people have goals), you must accept a certain amount of flexibility. No goal or task should be so rigid that you cannot allow any room for change. Remember, ultimate success is all about reinforcing that motivation no matter what obstacles or setbacks occur.
• VISUALIZATION. You can employ several methods, from pasting pictures of things you desire into a scrapbook to just sitting quietly, away from the stresses and demands of our daily life, and seeing clearly in your mind's eye, in every detail, your ultimate objective. Once you visualize something, you must follow it up with decisive action. Valuable as it is, visualization can never replace the vital work of preparation, study, and training. Never underestimate the enormous power of creative visualization, for it is the fuel that sustains and drives the power of motivation.

In your Anger Journal, write down a couple of your positive qualities that will aid you in staying motivated during behavior modification.

• How can these qualities help with any of the thoughts listed above?
• Do you have the ability to visualize a happy outcome with your anger and make that dream come true?
• From now on, will you attempt to be more flexible with yourself and others?

[ CLICK HERE to add an entry into your Anger Journal ]

You must understand that being flexible is so important in finding a program that works for you, because eventually this program will become your way of life. Being flexible is the only way you will be able to adapt to your changing lifestyle. In the future, don't wait for someone else to push to change your negative habits. Be a self-starter and make your own choices and decisions before anyone else can put their two cents in.

Chapter 15, Section 7: Develop a Plan

Sometimes we have a new idea that seems so overwhelming that we do nothing. Being able to control your emotions and anger seems like an amazing plan. Think of all the sacrifices you will make in respect to your pride and desires. The idea of implementing behavior modification can become overwhelming. Break it down! Create an action plan for this life-long project and break down the process into small, manageable steps. Look at it this way: you don't have to restrain yourself from breaking valuables around the house for the rest of your life, just for today and tomorrow. Start working with one behavior modification technique (such as relaxation) and slowly implement all of them into your daily life. Pace yourself and stay committed to this process.

Don't Worry About Perfection

One of the biggest stumbling blocks in getting started with something is that people are afraid they won't do it right. You may not have any previous experience in attempting to manage your anger and you may doubt your ability. You want to do a good job and you don't want to mess it up. So what happens? Nothing. We focus so much on our fear of making a mistake that we often do nothing at all. Not this time. You cannot afford to put this project off any longer.

Get moving. Recognize that you will need to make adjustments along the way, and be flexible. Making adjustments is part of the process of learning how to be successful in any new endeavor. As you begin to do the new task, you will find out what else you need to know. You will discover additional insights that will help you achieve your outcome. Don't focus on the success or failure of each step. Be concerned with taking the most intelligent action at any particular moment and make whatever changes are necessary. Action, not perfection, creates results.

Recommendation for future reading: Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done, by Larry Bossidy, et al.

Chapter 15, Section 8: Know When to Ask for Help

Changing the way you feel and behave in an anger-provoking situation is difficult and takes time. If you have been working on changing these behaviors for only a few weeks, you may not notice much improvement. It is necessary to work on relaxing, changing your thoughts about anger, and practicing new ways to express yourself over the course of several weeks or months. Take note of the small changes and keep working. Using a journal will be especially helpful with noticing small changes. If you have been following the suggestions provided by this behavior modification course for six months and still feel you are not managing your anger effectively, consider these possibilities.

• If you use alcohol or other drugs regularly, it may be more difficult to regulate your thoughts, words, and behavior. You may need to speak with a counselor or therapist to determine if you have a substance abuse problem that is interfering with your ability to manage anger effectively.
• If you are a victim of past or present abuse, you may have more difficulty managing your anger. If you have experienced or currently experience physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, we strongly suggest you seek the support of a counselor or therapist to help you explore and deal with your emotions related to this abuse.
• If you have experienced some form of depression, you have a difficult time managing anger. If you are having difficulty sleeping, cry frequently, have trouble concentrating, feel down or worthless, or have thoughts of hurting or killing yourself, please seek help immediately. It may be easier to control your anger when you have addressed your depression.
• If you are experiencing stress-related life events such as a recent death, divorce, or major transition, it may be difficult to address your feelings of anger. It may be helpful to speak with family, friends, or a counselor in order to better manage your stress.

If you are experiencing any of these emotional growth-blockers, attempt to incorporate some type of professional help into this online behavior modification program.

Recommendation for future reading: Men & Anger: a relapse prevention guide to understanding and managing your anger, by Murray Cullen.